His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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