Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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