Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
