I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
