just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
