now i know why i became what i already was.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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