Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
