Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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