She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
