I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
