dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
