I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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