when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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