Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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