at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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