mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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