In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
