I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
