i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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