Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
