The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
