Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
