mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I want to walk on stilts...naked
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
as a side note pls kill me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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