i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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