M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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