I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
