walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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