he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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