Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
