She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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