Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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