nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
