Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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