Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
