Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
