Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
