i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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