Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
