My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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