I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
