I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
whose parrot is this?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
