Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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