So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
