peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
