I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm always down for nudity.
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