I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
