I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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