i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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