Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
