but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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